Paris, France

“Lovermine,

If you find this email, I hope you remember how much I love you. From the moment I saw you, something inside me just knew you would change my life in some way (even though you only noticed me one week later on el famoso muret). And you have in the most beautiful way.

You’re the kindest, purest soul I’ve ever met, and the smartest too. You somehow fix everything that was broken inside me. You give me hope, love, and joy every day, and I couldn’t be more grateful. It feels like I’d never seen light until I met you, I never saw life the way I do now.

You’re a pain in the ass, you’re grumpy, you never close the cupboards after opening them or put away the groceries. But honestly? I couldn’t be happier to do those things for you (and hey, you do most of the dishes and vacuuming, so it’s a win for me). I love everything about you. I love you.

You are the love of my life, my light, my whole heart.
I feel so lucky to be building this life with you and Zaza.

I hope I’ll have the immense chance to witness every phase of your life and to love and support you through it all.

With all my love.

P.S. I love you more every single day and I’m so excited for all the little moments we haven’t even dreamed of yet.“

So many places

“when i saw that this website was updating again, i felt like crying. i used to check this website every day, from my freshman year of high school. i fell in and out of love through these emails. i said goodbye, i said hello. i welcomed new beginnings, and i tied loose ends. this website helped me a lot throughout my high school years, but it was during college when the emails stopped that i really needed it. and now, i was thinking about what i could write—about what has happened to me since the last time i read an email from this website.

a lot has happened.

but i’m happier now, in a way i didn’t realize i could be. and i don’t know if i realized that until i was going through old emails i wrote that were posted on here because—you can see the difference in my words. and i am thankful for it.”

Lima, Peru

“I’ve lived here for 2 years, and I should be used to the feeling of missing my family by now. But the minute they shut the borders due to our lock-down, it felt as if distance was stabbing my heart. Like the rest of us, I just want this to end – even though I know things will never be “normal” again. We’re on day 20 of a 28 day lock-down, which quite frankly is the strictest thing I’ve ever lived through. Some days make it hard to see the good. But I’ve learned that just because I don’t feel the hope we have in Jesus, doesn’t mean it’s not there. It means I’m choosing to ignore it. Ask me if I’m doing anything during quarantine, and I’ll tell you I’ve been choosing again and again.”

the shower floor

“I think I was like the moon, most myself in the dark of night, running away from your bright light of day. We kept chasing each other in circles. You loving me and me loving you but never at the right time and never enough. Now you’re leaving in a few months on deployment and I can’t stop the all encompassing fear that tells me I might not see you again. I was too scared to love you while I had you and am too scared to love you now that we face uncertainty. ”

London

“Telling you that I love you in the middle of a pandemic would be cliché, right?”

Lagos, Nigeria

“Moving into the guest room wasn’t something I planned. You like the TV on – loud, with the lights on. I like the darkness. You stay awake all night but sleep all day, especially on weekends. I sleep all night. So many little things made me realize we’re different. You never had time for me. You cared more about your friends than you did me – your wife. I lived with it all through. It’ll be 19 years in July. I can’t stand the sight of you naked anymore. Those times you sneak into my room, watching me as I slept, I saw you. I heard every creak, every footstep. I don’t hate you. God knows I don’t. I just can’t stand you anymore. You’ve cheated so many times, I always look forward to your next. So at least you’re not at home. I can’t believe I finally got the courage to ask you to stop. Stop coming into my room and having your way with me while I was asleep. Then when you’re done, your burp loudly in my face, wipe yourself on my bedsheet and go to your room. I hear you start snoring some minutes later. Guess you’re wondering what’s happening to me. Why have I changed. I met him 5 years ago. He walked in to my office and a few days later I knew I’d be his for life. He does everything for me. Everything I brought home – grocery, food, everything. He buys them for me. I know you’re happy you don’t have to give me housekeeping anymore. If only you knew another man, your wife’s lover, feeds you and puts food in your fridge. He’s married too. But our commitment to one another is stronger than both our marriages. But I’m not leaving you. I never will. I have the kids to think about. They don’t deserve the pain. I’ll always be with you, but my soul, my heart, they belong to him.”

Atlanta, Georgia

“I always think I mean more to people than I do. I always think I’m a lover or a friend or something – turns out I’m just the person they talk to when they’ve got no one else. I’m the kid that everybody picks last for the kickball team. I’m a gym buddy or a lunch date or a study partner until I’m not, until I’m not of use any more. Until I’m too much, until I’m too little. They will always find someone more or less or better or different or prettier or smarter or funnier or more stable. They will always find someone that isn’t me. I will always be the one they left behind. I will always be the one to hear the shift in tone, to hear that inevitable subtle switch in the way they talk to me until I’m nothing but furniture.
Wouldn’t it be something if someone decided to stay? If someone decided that the way I loved them wasn’t reason to leave? If someone didn’t always find someone better? I know I’m not much. I’m not much of anything at all. And I don’t blame the countless ones I’ve loved with more than I ought. Because they deserve more, they deserve better.
Maybe it wouldn’t be a great thing if someone stayed. Maybe I’d be keeping them from someone better. Maybe I’d be keeping them tied to me when they should be out there with someone they really love, someone they don’t have to pretend to like. Maybe I should just take one for the team. Somebody’s got to be the second best, somebody’s got to be whatever comes after the first choice. Might as well be me. I can bear it as well as anybody.”

Kansas City

“I want you to know this. Your choices are little boats, they all make wakes. They cause everyone to idle around you, wait out the worst of it.

We all waited as long as we could. We let our own lives sit still when you came into town. We did whatever your parents asked, we tried to protect you and cater to you. We tried listening. We tried stepping away. We tried pulling you close.

Not any more. We’re all scattered. You’re on your own now. We’re worried.

Take care of this new place you’ve moved to. Take care of the people you let in.
Take care of them by taking care of yourself.

Those medicines have a purpose. Take them.

That’s all we ever wanted. That’s all we still want. We never wanted anything from you. We just wanted you well. We weren’t asking for you to never make wakes, just be mindful. And if you can’t be mindful, just be honest.”

New England

“Commenting on my body at 12 weeks that “I’m showing” hurt just as much as the “you’re so big” comments every week following. From one mother to another mother, know the code: embrace and empower pregnant women, but don’t comment on a woman’s body unless it’s positive.”

Aetearoa

“I know because Sarah sent me pictures of your proposal. I unfollowed you everywhere to make sure I’d never have to see it. I knew it was only a matter of time. But shit. I didn’t think it would be before you turned 21.

It’s been six years. I wish you weren’t the first thing I thought of when I saw this inbox was open again. But you were. Not because I wished it were me you were getting down on one knee for. But because I thought one day you would be the one watching me live happily ever after.”